Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
