you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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