The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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