Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
