That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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