I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Are my feet made of real feet?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
