mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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