he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
