It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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