I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
