And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
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You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
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Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
he just fucked me for my cheese.