Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
