he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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