tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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