Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Randomize
