May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
