My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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