I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
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