I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
There's even glitter on my cock...
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