im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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