We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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