nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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