Don't you send me to vm
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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