I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
