new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
