her vagine was all disorganized.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
