we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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