Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
