dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
