My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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