I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
