you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Randomize
