I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
