i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
