I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
