I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
