i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Randomize
