Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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