I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
