I think scott just propositioned me for sex
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize