he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
You're like the curious george of whores
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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