I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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