remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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