So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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