guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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