He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I love you. Go after that dick
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
