Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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