I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
