the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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