There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
