ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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