It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
