Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
