Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
