can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
