Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
