you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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