did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
