Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
